Round 10 Weekly Write Up
Even in this darkness I can still see that Josh Dugan is a Green Apple Barcardi Breezer drinking twat. Long gone are the days that the toothpick used to run around in the headgear, not just when he was playing for the Raiders but back when he was in high school with his helmet and water wings due to his dangerously low IQ. Still what the Raiders wouldn’t give to have him back in the side.. or Todd Carney.. or Anthony Milford.. or Blake Ferguson. Before this game started I said to myself that I would rather jam my dick in the door than watch this game and at half time the front door is still looking mighty tempting. The Glassman Shaun Fensom is likely to pick up an injury and then heal after the game and continue to disappoint those that have him in their fantasy teams. You’ll get more durability using cling wrap as a condom than relying on Fensom’s body to hold up. Mitch Rein continues to look homeless, is it a man bun? Is it the samurai look? Whatever it is it’s fucking shit house. Get a haircut you fucking hippie. If you spent less time with Greenpeace and trying to save the whales you could become a half decent number 9, instead you’re like the number 9 special at my local Thai joint - greasy, over priced and horrible to look at. The Raiders used to have the hoodoo over the Dragons but that’s been and gone just like the wonder years of both clubs. I started the week not giving a fuck about this game and I continue to do so. Post game - Oh. My. Fucking. God. What the fuck was that? That’s one of the biggest brain snaps I have ever seen. Wighton you are an absolute bell end. Ricky Stuart may one up Nathan Brown here, he may drop the dumb cunt.
FTS. Frizzell in the 16th minute
Dragons by 4 due to a brain snap
A lot has happened in the down time since the last write up, mainly the Eels cheating the salary cap on their way to wooden spoons. At least we earned ours fair and square, it makes you feel a lot better knowing you didn’t have to cheat your way to last place. Anthony Watmough has departed the club in what is one of the worst pieces of business since someone signed that knuckle dragger Anthony Watts. My highlight of Watbro’s career is Tony Archer telling him to stop charging at him, still gives me the giggles. Look it up on YouTube if you’ve forgot it’s brilliant. In fact, no. Here is the link, (Link) I’m not going to write anymore until you’ve watched it … done? Good. You’re welcome. I haven’t seen cheating this bad since I played “Heads down, thumbs up” as a kid and used to look under my arms to see what shoes someone was wearing. In absolutely fantastic news the Knights aren’t on the bottom of the ladder! It’s time to crank out the champagne and toast to what is truly a miracle, something to be enjoyed for two weeks. In Rabbits news what was Sammy Burgess thinking? I haven’t seen that kind of irresponsible driving since Peter Brock. There’s something up with those Burgess boys and selfies, who can forget big George Burgess, I haven’t been able to get out of cutoffs through sheer inadequacy. In an attempt to halt their massive slide down the ladder they’ve put GI in a 5/8 but it’s not going to work. GI is done, he needs to have surgery on his knee and take a year off. A year is 365 days, Greg. That’s one year. Not two. One. Not two. With the Eels playing for points again this year this could go either way, are they dirty on the club for doing this? Are they going to be pissed Peats is gone? Or are they going to be galvanised by this and shove it up the NRL. I honestly don’t have a clue.
Eels by 1
Can the Warriors do anything right? Fuck me, painkillers and energy drinks? Gone are the days of cocaine and bikkies. Fucking get on it lads or stop with the pansy drugs. Even the dumb cunt girls are festivals can double drop and be alright a few days later. They’ve got a toxic culture in NZ and something has got to give, you can’t just grow up through your junior years 14 feet bigger than everyone else and just coast through your career, the rest of the kids grow up and are tough having to tackle the man childs their whole career and you’re no longer the big kid that can just lazily push through defenders. Stop being lazy pricks and pull your finger out of your ass or don’t because I love giving my Warrior loving mates shit about how they’ve never won a premiership. If they didn’t have the All Blacks they’d probably ditch their silver ferns and slap on a Southern Cross on the back of their V8 commodores. Calls for Matt Moylan to be the Blues fullback hopefully fall on deaf ears, the kid can play but my god he would still get asked for ID to go a M rated movie. The baby faced boy from the foot of the mountains is honestly mounting a solid case to be there for the Blues but whether or not it’s too soon we’ll see. Someone ask Mullen how it feels to be thrust in there before you’re ready, kinda like when the girl jumps on top after giving you a blowie and getting you nearly there, starts grinding and tells you not to cum but you already about to nut, Moylan isn’t ready and sorry Leah I wasn’t ready either. They’ve let ET go home and by home I mean a shit team that doesn’t perform. Panthers will make the most of the Warriors being a mess and get the chocolates.
Panthers by 12
The Storm V The Cowboys @ Suncorp … what the fuck? Ah right it’s a double header. With the crowd most likely there for the Broncos this game will have about as much awkward atmosphere as a Rolf Harris concert at a childcare centre. Undeserved as well because this shapes as the game of the round. Top 4 clash between two teams who have been incredibly impressive so far this year. This is my tip for the Grand Final, write it down now. I’ll probably change it in a few weeks but you can quote me here. Cameron Munster has stepped up beyond any expectations, with the sun coming down on Billy the Kid’s career you have a ready made replacement that you would want on a lifetime deal at the moment, the kid is as flash as a rat with a golden tooth. Lachlan Coote seems to have got over his cancer scare early on in the season (not a real cancer scare for those first time readers - I called him Leukaemia Skywalker due to his freshly shaved head) his form is so impressive that he would be my first picked for an Origin jersey come June 1st. I wouldn’t be surprised if Cam Smith hits the ref with a right hook and the Broncos get the penalty for it later on, protected species both of them. This could go either way and very well could go to golden point and in fact that’s what I’m predicting, this is going to be the game of the round and I’m tipping the Heartbreak Kid Cooper Cronk to kick the winning field goal.
Storm by 1
Not content with having the NRL prop them up at every turn the Broncos have gone one further and have started buying away games from poor and struggling clubs in an attempt to further cirsumvent fair competition. You wouldn’t expect anything less from the Broncos. If these were the only teams left in the competition I’d deadset support the refs such is my hated for these two germ clubs. The Broncos with the worst fans in the comp and Manly are just plain out and out cunts. I’d rather support the kids I’ve probably accidentally fathered along the years. In terms of actual rugby league quality this double header should be better than the McGregor/Aldo Weidman/Rockhold supercard. Keep me in mind if you ever watch that fight again, I had $500 on Aldo to win. Knocked out in 13 seconds. I could have hired a top shelf prossie for that and got at least twice as long (including clean up) Like a drunken Honeysett at 3am I can’t see Manly getting up here. The Broncos are likely to continue their march towards another top 4 finish and another GF disappointment. Historically speaking they're the two most successful clubs in the NRL era with two premierships a piece, if I never live to see another one that would just be fantastic although unless I drop dead in the next few years I can’t see that happening, but hey one can hope.
Broncos by 8
Like Lamb to the slaughter the Knights are walking into a bloodbath. I tried to write a joke about the nursery rhyme Barba Blacksheep and Brock Lamb but everything just came out sounding racist so I decided against it. Nothing was very funny either so there’s not much to miss out on then. Usually I would talk about how rubbish the Knights are but I’m going to take a different approach this week, this week I’ll talk about all the things better than Newcastle. Ahem. A Justin Bieber greatest hits CD, realising you have no toilet paper mid shit, getting your dick caught in your zipper, the Spice Girls movie and the ending to How I Met Your Mother. I’m convinced that if Newcastle had an intraclub game they’d come away with two losses. The Sharks will absolutely tear the Knights to shreds, I can imagine this will be similar to Sharknado - a comedy where the Sharks fuck up the useless nobodies. As a Knights fan I can only hope that this one is over shortly. The Sharks have a heap of guys that will be playing State of Origin and this is a game where they can show off, Fifita will score a double and Bird will bag a hat trick. This will not be over quickly, this will not be enjoyable. Bend over Newcastle, Sharks aren't even going to spit on their cocks - they're going in dry.
Sharks by 30
No Teddy, No Tigers. Pure fact, the Tigers are going to struggle more than 50 with a plane seatbelt, no you can’t have a fucking belt extension. The Tigers have signed another sort of hooker, sort of second rower, sort of first grader in Elijah Taylor. Fair to say that he may be a pretty good pick up for the Tigers but anything amongst that rabble will look like gold. Apparently Robbie Farah has a badly bruised ass but will still play, shouldn’t be a problem for Farah though, he’s got his head up his own ass all the time a slight bruise couldn’t hurt anymore (especially with that nose) Speaking of which Farah mid week spoke about how Peats should do whatever is right by him. Listen here Farah we know you’re going to say that you egomaniacal wank, you’ve never put the club before yourself. You could write a Bold and the Beautiful episode with the amount of drama you have caused your club. Fuck you. Hoppa is praying to John Smith on Sunday so he won’t be playing - I might use this excuse next time I want a day off work. The flying spaghetti monster in the sky insists that I do not work today and get paid double time, whilst being fed grapes from scan-dally clad women. I was talking to a Dogs fan yesterday about the Parramatta scandal, he said to kick them out of the comp. I gave him the blank stare and decided it was better to just finish my beer and thank fuck I don’t have the memory of a fucking goldfish. Dogs or Storm fans that complain about Parramatta need to have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up. Anyway with the Dogs playing like they’ve got worms and they’re scooting their ass on the carpet and the Tigers better off being used as boner meds for the Chinese I’m going to toss a coin.
Dogs by 4
Nathan Davis reminds me of the dancing baby thing from that old show, Ally something. Head like a fucking capsicum. The Titans will not win enough games this year with outside backs like watch me whip, watch me Nene MacDonald. They might look flash in attack but in defence they couldn’t stop a dripping tap if they were a plumber. With the news that they’ve now signed Peats for the rest of the year and next they’ll certainly be a lot better off, however they’ve now got more hookers than the Red Light District. They’re set to face more legal trouble this year with the West Tigers filing for copyright infringement. Too many hookers is there gimmick, god dammit! The Roosters last time out put a massive number on the Knights which is like paying for a prossie and bragging that you got laid - at this point it’s just sad. Mitch Pearce has ruled himself out of Origin this year which gives this full blooded New South Welshman a full blooded erection, I haven’t heard better news since The Fappening. Both resulting in this guy firing off some knuckle children in celebration. Despite the great signing news for the Titans they’re going to get wasted in this game, the Chooks will make the 8 and this is where their charge starts.
FTS Fergy Ferg.
Roosters by 14