Manly will play their third game in fifteen days, fuck me, can the NRL not handle two syllable words? I’ll help the useless cunts, play-er wel-fare. Perhaps they should buy a copy of Hooked on Monkey Fonics. With Mr Krabs out of the team for a month with a lower leg sprain perhaps Manly will stop going east-west so often and start heading north-south. Manly aren’t known for their sense of direction, let's face it who needs a compass when you don’t leave the suburb? Anything outside of Brookie is deemed too far. I once overheard a Manly fan was told to go to hell but refused due to to the travel required. They’ll come up against the Rabbits who looked like little boys against the Bulldogs, at least they’ve now got Jared Fogle as a life member. Without Sam Burgess they lack grunt and a real leader, luckily for them he’s back and injury free. Paul Carter has been dropped after his car crash brand of football was deemed surplus by Maguire leaving Fantasy players around the forum crying into their beers. This will be an entertaining game of the middle of the table teams, I reckon Rabbits win purely because DCE is out and Burgess is in.
FTS - Auva’a
Rabbits by 8
The little ugly brother of QLD will play against it’s over hyped brother, Prince Harry V Prince William. Luke Wilson V Owen Wilson. Venus Williams V Serena Williams. The Titans V The Broncos. The other derby if you will. This game won’t be anywhere near the brilliant game of the season we saw last week, what a game that was. Brisbane were kissed on the dick by the referees all night and “Redemption” was won against last years premiers. Perhaps they can get rings made up “Round 4 Champions” Saying that I haven’t seen a better Milf since Emma Starr and he looks like he could be in Dally M contention if he keeps this up. Roberts had the best game of his Broncos career and if the two can link up again this one could get fugly real quick for the boys in Aqua. The Titans continue to defy the odds holding on like the button on 50s pants at the Sizzler salad bar. They were gifted the game last week and will have to work harder than the button on 50s pants. Won’t be the last time I use that, the same thing Corey Parker will say about his kicking tee as he racks up 5/9 in front of goal.
FTS - Hall N Oates
Broncos by 26
Will the Knights win a game this season? Perhaps if they were playing in the WNBL. Maybe. Probably. Not. The Knights will get pounded like a Sasha Grey bukkake party, their defence is as loose as her asshole and their attacks sucks like she’s on camera. Seriously I would trust a fart with diarrhoea more than I’d trust Newcastle to win this game. The Storm looked more like a passing shower at Shark Park, they were pretty hopeless in attack but they’ll have plenty of chances against a Knights side that are as bad as six week old milk. Storm will lay the boots to the Knights, let’s just hope the two faced, receding haired piece of shit doesn’t accuse the Knights players of paralysing themselves this time round. Fake motherfucker.
FTS - Munster
Storm by 30.
An abortion clinic has seen less mistakes than the Tigers last game. Farah returned off the bench and helped the Tigers to a huge tally.. oops. With as many points as a beach ball the Tigers will need to improve if they’re going to beat the Sharks, if they don’t this game could be the cure for insomnia - you’d have more fun jamming your dick in the door than watching this. With guys like Tedesco, Brooks and Moses they could turn it on at any time however in a grind against the Sharks they might find it hard to implement their attacking (Ric) flair. Gallen comes back for the Sharks so those regular 6 metre hit ups and offloads to nobody will be back in full force. May as well throw him in the 6 or 7, he couldn’t fuck up the attack more than Maloney and Townsend do in the attacking 20. Here’s an easy one for the Sharks get the forwards and second rowers to run hard lines at the defence then pass out the back to Barba who creates the overlap and puts his wingers away or give Bird early space and they’ll score more points. Instead they’ll stick with one of the ruck plays that do fuck all. Holmes looked like state housing but everyone is entitled to one shocking game. Hopefully he doesn't get the Vatuvei treatment. Tigers will win this game when they probably shouldn’t.
FTS - K Naiqama
Tigers by 4
Cowboys will be tired from the Grand Final replay, Dragons will be tired of how shit their football is. This could be entertaining if the Cowboys agreed to play one handed otherwise this will be an absolute bath, which for Mitch Rein would be the first for the year. While it was enjoyable to see JT cracking the shits after the game he’s going to take that all out on the Dragons this weekend. I expect him to set up at least 5 tries with Morgan being the man to make the most of it. He’s been playing well since I gave him a serve a few weeks ago, glad to see that he reads the write up. He can thank me that he’s being more Morgan Freeman and less Tracy Morgan. With Tim Lafai plodding along in the back line the Dragons will be wishing they didn’t let go of .. I can’t remember his name, who was that Fijian winger? Nambia? Namibia? Something like that? He was slow. Lafai is slow. That’s my point. Dud buy of the year for me so far. I have a bet with a mate that the Knights will finish ahead of the Dragons 15th is a higher number than 16th so there’s still hope for me.
FTS - Morgan
Cowboys by 18.
The Roosters were robbed on a match winning try against Manly when The Black Widow was ruled to be offside despite even Stevie Wonder being able to see he was onside. The NRL community would like to collectively send the Tri Colours the following supportive message “HAHAHAHAHA!” Call the year off now while the cunts are last, Godfather Uncle Nick can pick up some Dolminos and cook some pasta with his wooden spoon. SKD has been a shining light amongst the shit and can raise his fist in triumph, just keep it away from gold digging sluts or he’ll be back to having feet for hands. The Warriors struggled in the first half against the worst team in the competition before they managed to get their head out of their asses, this game could be like trying to watch retards fuck. RTS playing against his old club could be the saving grace of this game, you can imagine a few of the Chooks will have their feathers ruffled after he upped and left for the island of the long white cloud. You’ll shake your head like Michael J Fox at how lacklustre this one ends up being and thank fuck it's over.
FTS - Manu
Roosters by 4
There’s a lot to like about the Eels this year, they’ve only let in a handful of points in two games and only lost to the Broncos when they didn’t have Foran. As long as his hamstring stays in check they’ll run Western Sydney, which isn’t much a claim to fame but hey it’s better than Redfern. With defence tighter than a nuns you know what I really can’t see where the Panthers points come from. Enter Matt Moylan. Captain Cool is back, his first game for the year and they should be a better team with him there. Should. Came at a good time because Will Smith is still sleeping after being KNOCKED THA FUCK OUT, legend has it he’s still having a nap. Merrin had his first decent game so perhaps he’s starting to hit some form, could you blame the guy if he doesn't? His missus is a ten on any scale, he’s being paid like a superstar and he doesn’t have to worry about how a white jersey looks around those love handles anymore. With Kenny Edwards hugging opposition like they’re a cherished family pet and he’s got Downs Sydrome the Eels won’t let this one go either.
FTS - Norman
Eels by 10
Jesus Christ, what a brain snap. Frank Paul Nuuausala stayed as calm and collected as Hitler with half the concentration. Absolute bell-end. Raiders fans wanted blood and who could blame them. Talk about a game changer, the effort was there from the Raiders - similar to tomato sauce in little squeezy packets and like those little packets for the Raiders there was not quite enough. Just give me one more squeeze so the end of my sausage roll isn’t bland, fuck you you sauce packet wankers! Raiders won’t be ordering Olives on their pizza any time soon, too many bad memories there. They really should have won that game two times over but fell flat when it matter most. We’ve all been there let’s face it. While on the other hand the Dogs did it in a canter against the Bunnies and didn’t need to get out of second gear in the second half. This is an interesting game, I really feel this could be an absolute cracking monday night game, the Dogs will be extremely hard to beat at Belmore despite the Raiders potentially welcoming back Austin and Sezar. Raiders will be hoping the Bunker is more bomb proof than Gallipoli after feeling hard done by on the weekend. The Dogs will speak to the NRL mid week about whether they can move Church to Tuesday because the form of Young Grasshoppa is a gift from God.
FTS - Hoppa
Dogs by 14