Foran is back at Brookie! This time to haunt the old squad. I would have loved to see DCE up against his old halves partner but old mate had to go and break one of his crabs legs. Foran appears to be the main man behind the best halves pairing we’d seen in years and is showing up DCE in every way so far this year, haircut included. Did you guys see that step he put on last week? Phewww fuck me Wighton is still looking for him. Poor prick hasn’t slept since. Both teams are coming off massive wins on the weekend, Eels beating the Raiders senseless and the Sea Eagles showing up the Pretenders. This should be a ripper game at Brookie. You have two of the meanest looking players to ever take the field, Taupau and Ma’u should be a slobberknocker if they ever let their fists fly. I’m talking Ali V Foreman, Hogan V Andre The Giant, George Rose V Saying no to a doughnut. I mean Ma’u scares the shit out of me. He is legitimately one of the scariest looking cunts around, he could fart it could stink and I would apologise to him for it. If looks could kill you would call him Martin Bryant. I would pay good money if the NRL threw out the no punching rule just for ten minutes and let these guys throw them. Would be one for the ages. I’d give Ma’u the win via shiv to the kidneys, you don’t fuck with an ex-con - Con Air taught me that. I’m thinking the Eels keep up their great start to the year and stay in the top 4... right before they have their points taken from them and they’re down the bottom with Newcastle. One of us! One of us!
Eels by 12
The Rabbits look fucked. They were embarrassed by a Dylan Napa led Roosters last week and haven’t looked half the side they have been previously. It’s hard to imagine what’s going wrong, what with the prodigal son returning, it just doesn’t help the cause when you let go of the other siblings in order to bring him back. It’s the worst parenting effort since Marvin Gay Snr. The team isn’t fighting along side each other, reminds me of Game of Thrones. I wouldn’t be surprised to see short ass Tyrion Keary stabbing someone in the shin just to keep his halves spot and he might need to resort to such drastic measures with Walker Texas being dropped his week purely because A Rey is back. Walker will put a lot of pressure on Keary all year round and I won’t be surprised to see him back in the number 6 jersey alongside the inked up superstar in the coming weeks. GI looked to add some spark to their attack, the guy doesn’t know the meaning of fear.. although with his IQ he wouldn’t know the meaning of most words. It’s a field goal, Greg, it’s worth one point you twat. Still can’t believe it. There’s not much to say about the Cowboys they’re plugging away, like a night when you take home a chubby bitch, you know the kind you’ve got to roll her in flower just to find where she gets wet? That’s the Cowboys right now. Going about their business, smashing the shit teams in front of them then struggling against the middle of the road sides. They’re still the best team in the comp and will be there at the end of the year provided that JT remains fit. While we’re talking about JT can we stop seeing him with his shirt off in the change rooms? He’s got the chick tattoo angel wings on his back, should be charged for bringing the game into disrepute. However he’s still the best player in the world since Johns and I think he will get the Cowboys over the line here quite easily.
Cowboys by 10.
After Greg Bird tried to take the head off James Maloney last week he’ll be suspended for this game, which leaves the smallest of chances for a Dragons victory here. I’m talking small though, like meeting a bloke that thinks Greg Bird is a nice guy, small like the amount of glassware still left in the Bird house - that kinda small. They’ll just need to keep the Titans scoreless and hopefully pop a field goal in the dying minutes. The Titans will be without Daniel Mortimer this week with the biggest gash I’ve seen since Jenna Jameson, seriously motherfucker could get fisted through that thing. Reminds of one one of the last girls I dipped my end in, had a pussy like a fucking canoe. Didn’t know whether to finger her or get in a row her. The Dragons did the Anna Kournikova, straight set double bagels. (just quietly, I would have sold my family into slavery to sniff a chair she may have sat on once). They’re just so bad at the moment. You know when a girl gets real drunk and cracks the shits over nothing? And then goes on and on about it so much that she loses all meaning and valid points? Then keeps bringing up other irrelevant shit and starts crying and makes you feel bad? Well, she still has more points than the Dragons. They’re keeping up an impressive strike rate of 6 tries in 6 games, could they keep up their snail pace attack? Could they break the line more than once? Will Goku make it to the Dragon Balls in time? Stay tuned next week on Dragon Ball Z! The Titans win this one and win easily.
Titans by 14
Someone give Chappy a helmet, some water wings and a mouthguard and keep him away from anything sharp - he’s retarded. He’s under more pressure than 50's missus in missionary (Thanks Your Name for the zinger) A team boasting 3/4 of the New Zealand spine should not be 1/6. My poly mates have told me exactly what is wrong with the Warriors, this is a direct quote from him yesterday “They play a white boy game in poly bodies, coconut football bro” Hard to argue with him, mainly because he’s 7 foot tall and build like a fridge but I digress. Moving Tuimoala Lolohea (my favourite name to say in full, for the record also up there is Siuatonga Likiliki) into the halves is a start but it won’t be enough. The Warriors are hopeless. “Let’s gone warriors” well fuck they’re gone bro. They won’t make the finals and they won’t win a premiership, merge them with the Sharks and halve the team full of premiership failures. Fuck the Warriors. The Dogs on the other hand are as hot and cold as a hotel shower (let’s be honest you never get it right the first fucking time. It’s either scolding fucking hot water from the deeps of Mordor or dick shrivelling freezing cold) they’re a side that could certainly go all the way this year. Josh Reynolds is about due for a brain snap let’s just make sure there’s no white chairs around for the Terry Tough Cunt to kick around. I’m going to go out on a limb here, Holland by the end of his career is going to sit behind El Magic and Halligan as the Dogs best ever goal kicker, if the kid was Amy Winehouse he would’ve kicked that drug habit before the OD. I’ve heard he taught King Leonidas how to kick. He’s got one of the cleanest style of kicking I’ve seen, everyone he kicked was gun barrel straight. The Dogs win this one and win it well, this is the end of the line for Cappy he’s destined for the Long Drop, So Chappy pick up your chilly bin, grab your jandals, say chur to the cuzzies and fuck off with the other Westies to bum fuck nowhere.
Bulldogs by 14
The Knights proved they’re better than the Tigers and it only took two balls. See that’s where you fucked up Lance Armstrong, not the years of systematic cheating you one nutted fuck. They did it the hard way with plenty of dropped ball and missed tackles, against a better side they’re going to get fucked up. Joey didn’t get as fucked up as the Knights are going to up at Suncorp. The police may need to be called, this is going to be straight up murder. The scoreline 71-6 is in grave danger of being eclipsed here. Seriously the Broncos could play with their back up Auckland 9s squad here and still be considered favourites. There’s shorter odds of ScarJo offering me the ass. Is there any possible way the Knights can win this one? Not. A. Fucking. Chance. The Broncos haven’t exactly set the world on fire, they may have beat the Dragons by 26 points but the game was still there to be won if the Dragons weren’t fucking spastics. They’re at the top of the ladder now and the Broncos supporters are starting to get cocky, remember you wanks if you laugh at people on the way up it’s coming back twice as hard when you come back down. Just remember to hold onto it when it comes down or it might cost you a Grand Final. Enjoy this win, it’s the equivalent to Mike Tyson beating up on Stephen Hawkins, while he’s asleep.
Broncos by 20
Sharks picked up the bug last week, the winning bug plus the physical bug that drove over the big ass melon on baby Heighington. Nate Myles doesn’t know Heighnos wife does he? If there was that much head on a beer you’d bottle the bartender. If the Sharks ever needed sponsor space his forehead could handle a few. The kid’s head is so big I thought someone was playing Goldeneye with big head mode on. Ok, Ok last one I promise. The kids head is so big he has to step into his shirts. Serious note, happy the little fella is alright. The Sharks are playing well enough that they’re now in the top 4, I struggle to support these guys though and it’s because of fans like Buzz Rothfield. The biggest slime ball piece of shit journalist in League sans Rebecca Wilson. If the fuckhead was on fire I actually would piss on him just so he would smell like my piss while he burned. Why is he face always bright red? Is he embarrassed by the person he is? He should be. Anyway, back to the Sharks. They’re got the right blend of youth and experience and I think will go a long way into the competition if they can stay fit enough. With Gallen set to miss rounds 8-24 they at least won’t have the distraction of the vertical wombat having a whinge every game. Onto the Green Machine, you have to feel sorry for the Raiders lads on this forum, they’re all a good bunch of guys considering they have to put up with living in Canberra but worst of all their team is so up and down you could be forgiven for thinking you were at Lollipop Lounge. They got blown off the park by the Eels and will need to get their mojo back if they’re going to stop the Sharkies. Look for Austin to stun and Whitehead to pop while the BJ is back! Which usually means for you old married blokes that your missus either spent too much on shoes or she’s thinking about her PT. A BJ is a BJ though.
Sharks by 4
The Tigers are heading South at a rate of knots, they’re my ex girlfriend after a few cocktails. Girl used to get rug burn she’d go down so fast. Jason Taylor will be facing the hangman’s noose shortly and Farah will become the first captain coach in the modern era. He’ll then complain that he doesn’t have the coaches support and eventually descend into madness, get the man a straight jacket and a padded cell. Moses has ticked yes to the new terms and conditions of the commandments without reading them and they are as follows: Thou shall pick as many low percentage play as possible. Thou shall jersey grab tackle 100kg props at pace. Thou shall kick out on the full at least once per game. Personally I don’t think they’re going to catch on much with the Jesus freaks but who knows it doesn’t take much. They’re a side that when they put it all together could beat anyone of their day, the trouble is their day is never game day. I’ve seen more consistency from diarrhoea. Although I must admit I loved that they lost last week, that Nandos meal hit the spot. You guys all believed I could do it, you rode the wave with me and I appreciate you all for it. Yo Adrian! We did it! Storm’s change room will need another coat of paint after Bellyache has his spray. You’d have less spit coming your way if you were gang banged by Alpacas. You’d have less bodily fluids hitting your face if you were Sasha Grey. The man could give Gordon Ramsey a run for his money. Whatever planet Cooper Cronk is on it certainly isn’t one where they’re playing good footy, the weight of his decision about whether to stay or go is affecting his football. Either shit or get off the pot Cooper. However against a team lacking all direction at least the Storm have some sort of form, they’ll bounce back here and take the W.
Storm by 8
Sorry the write up is late this week guys, had to put a new bed together - bit of over use .. not to mislead you guys, I’ve a lazy fuck who’s been sleeping too much. Anyway what’s that got to do with this game? Well it has the possibility to put me to sleep. Two teams with the charisma and charm of a rock. There’s only one man that could save this from being the borefest I’m predicting.. The best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be.. Dylan Napa! He’s the best Hitman since Bret Hart. Dylan Napa had more hits than other popular ginger Nicky Webster. Instead of strawberry kisses he was handing out concussions and broken bones. Seriously he had more hard hits than Chris Brown. They finally broke their duck on the weekend with a pretty simple win against their 100 year old rivals which was good to see for the three people that actually like the Roosters. The Panthers neeaaarly got home against the reigning premiers on the back of Dallin Watene-Zelezniak (holy shit that is a fucked up name to try and spell, I typed it into google and didn’t get anywhere close, ended up typing “Panthers winger Da.... Seriously, don’t look at it and try and spell it off the top of your head) If you were playing Wheel of Fortune you’d like to buy a vowel. Anyway, the kid is a future star in a team full of future stars, this is a team that if they stick together over the years they could absolutely dominate. Moylan, TMM, DWZ are all future stars of our game and will continue to get better. Seriously, any team with Will Smith in it are bound for stardom - as long as he stops making shit house DC spin offs (don’t get me started of Jared Leto as the Joker, but fuck meeee Margot Robbie. Holy Shit.) Panthers will remain a force to be reckoned with. I don’t know how this games goes but I’m predicted more mistakes than a Mt Druitt maternity ward.
Panthers by 8
Last edited by Honeysett on Thu Apr 14, 2016 5:00 am; edited 2 times in total