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    Welshy
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    Post by Welshy Mon Apr 09, 2018 6:57 pm

    Finch wrote:

    Me 27 she 41
    didn't realise that sorry fella, thought you were same age she just enjoyed dancing!

    Still reckon you owe her the courtesy of giving it a go and breaking it off later if you don't feel you can do what she likes on a more regular basis
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    Post by Finch Mon Apr 09, 2018 6:59 pm

    Now everyone is busting out their tango shoes and I'm here with my converse on.
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    Post by Finch Mon Apr 09, 2018 7:00 pm

    Welshy wrote:
    didn't realise that sorry fella, thought you were same age she just enjoyed dancing!

    Still reckon you owe her the courtesy of giving it a go and breaking it off later if you don't feel you can do what she likes on a more regular basis

    Yep big age Gap. Not even same decade. This is weird.
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    Post by Welshy Mon Apr 09, 2018 7:02 pm

    Finch wrote:

    Yep big age Gap. Not even same decade. This is weird.
    What she carrying up top? You got me interested now lad  Laugh 3
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    Post by Pain Mon Apr 09, 2018 7:55 pm

    Finch wrote:Now everyone is busting out their tango shoes and I'm here with my converse on.

    Hard to run in those chucks too.
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    Post by Honeysett Mon Apr 09, 2018 7:56 pm

    If you don't like something no one's forcing you to do it either - but you'll find it very hard to find someone who does everything you like exactly how you like it. Plus it opens your mind to new experiences and hobbies.

    I didn't know I liked having a finger in my ass until a girlfriend did it. Previously the thought was not my thing.

    One last thing, as an introvert what you'll need to think about is no one actually cares what you look like dancing. No one cares that you're not comfortable. No one cares that it's your first time. You're making it a bigger deal in your head that they're random people who are judging. They honestly wouldn't care mate.
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    Post by code delta Mon Apr 09, 2018 10:13 pm

    Could you share the doubts you have expressed here with her?
    Dancing on a Monday night. I need to get a life. Smile
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    Post by Finch Tue Apr 10, 2018 8:00 am

    Welshy wrote:
    What she carrying up top? You got me interested now lad  Laugh 3

    Lol. I'll be sure to report back to you when I see them...
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    Post by Finch Tue Apr 10, 2018 8:34 am

    Alright. Time to summarize everything I guess.


    So last night she picked me up, I didn't know where we were going, just hanging out and going for a walk I thought. Got in the car and she had the GPS on, asked where we were going "It's a surprise" I got told. I'm not really a fan of surprises. Every so often I asked again, where are we going, as I could see on the GPS it was over 20 minutes away, in a place I have never been. As we got closer I was starting to worry a bit. I asked her if we were going somewhere to eat, nope. She told me that "You asked for this" and "You can just sit in the car and I'll go in, or you can come in and watch" "I'm going to join in with the fun" . At this stage I'm thinking WTF. "Is it a movie, or a show?" I asked, "No" she replied. I made a joke saying I was going to text someone where I was in case something happened to me, but I was being a bit serious too as I had no idea where the fuck we were going.

    As we parked up, deadset I'm thinking she is going to lead me into a room with 10 guys ready to bash me, for no reason. I have a hard time trusting people, all sorts goes through my mind. We got out of the car and I noticed she grabbed a bag from the back which had clothes/shoes in it. I'm thinking we are going to some kind of party, to do some drugs or an orgy. The way she was describing it made it sound like an orgy. At this stage I'm thinking "omg wtf she is crazy", I'm leaving. We walked up to the door of a church/event place with a sign at the front of it saying "Tango has moved tonight to x place" My heart beats faster as I realize everything was all innocent and we were only going to dance. Fucken hell I'm relieved.

    She mentions that I asked to learn to dance, I might of but don't really remember lol. We tried dancing a week ago on the beach. She tells me she is "legit". I'm not sure if that means she actually wants to be with me, or that she actually wants to teach me.


    Anyway, we go to the other venue which is just down the road, it's at a bar/pub/function centre. We walk in and there is a group of 15 or so people there, all at least 15 years older than me. It's the dance teachers birthday, today of all days. Right now I'm feeling like a fish out of water. Guys in suits, ladies in dresses and here I am in shorts, a hoodie and converse shoes not knowing WTF is going on never mind the fact I know absolutely no one, except the person I went with. If I had a spade I would of dug a hole right there.


    She introduces me as her friend, but everyone there is a couple. I wouldn't say I was hurt by that, but we aren't official or anything, despite the amount of time we spend together. I stand at the side holding my hands out in front of me like a 5 year old getting told off by his parents, while she talks to a few people that she knows. I sit to the side of the group by myself, which I much prefer.  


    Anyway, after the initial hello to everyone we sit together and we order some food, nothing serious. I'm still feeling like a fish out of water, way out of my comfort zone, I told her I was going for a walk and I will be back in 10mins before the food arrives. She asks me if I'm ok, I say I am but really I wasn't. I just needed to get out. It was at this stage I walked around the block and posted here on the forums. I think it was because I didn't know where we were going, I didn't know where we were, added to the fact I was in a room with people I have never met before, nor have any common interests with I just felt so awkward. I posted here on the forums, big thanks to @Welshy for helping me, genuinely surprised I got a reply that fast.


    I searched on my phone for the nearest bus stop, I was just going to go home. I thought fuck it, I really did, I just wanted to get home. As well as posting here, I jut browsed some websites I frequent (Nothing dodgy!) just to get a sense of normality. I searched again for the nearest bus, 13 minutes away it said. I had a choice to make, get on the bus and go home probably ruining this, but I would be safe and happy, or I could go back, feel like a knob but just stick it out for her. I knew in my gut the right thing to do was to go back, but I just wanted to get home back to my own surroudings. I went back though, I took a good 30 minutes, rather than the 10 I said.


    Part 2 below...
    ryno_
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    Post by ryno_ Tue Apr 10, 2018 9:11 am

    What a roller coaster.

    It feels like a bit of a rough move from her to spring quite a full on situation on you without warning - I've seen things on Who Dares Wins I'd rather be sprung to do then tango dancing with a group of people I don't know.

    But it seems like her intentions were in the right place?
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    Post by Finch Tue Apr 10, 2018 9:49 am

    When I arrived back everyone is eating all seated together. Here we bloody go I say to myself. I see her reaching her into her jacket about to grab her phone out, I'm assuming to text me and she confirms, "I was just going to message you to tell you the food is ready" . She asks again if everything is ok, I say yes but really I'm talking BS because I don't want to be there. Everyone is there talking in their groups, but I'm there cramping her style. She isn't talking, I'm not talking. We make light conversation about the food. Nobody talks to me, which I am completely fine with, it just felt super awkward sitting there. She joins in on other conversations which is good.


    Anyway, time goes on, people finish their meals and keep talking about god knows what, I'm not really listening. Something about internet companies, cricket and tango dancing, along with the occassional dog thrown in. She asks me again, "Everything ok?" I say yes again, as you do, still feeling awkward. Eventually, the premises clears out and the only people left are the people who are their for tango dancing. People start clearing plates/glasses etc, tables start getting pushed to the side, tango music starts playing and everyone gets into their tango shoes, "Here we fucken go" I say to myself again as my heartbeat picks up. I head to the toilet, probably spent the longest time ever going for a pee, basically just stood in there for 3/4 minutes after peeing wondering what the do.


    When I come out I sit at a table which is just off to the "dance floor". Eventually couple by couple people start dancing, everyone except me and my acquintance. Everyone is so good, or at least I think they are good. I'm feeling shy/nervous etc. I cant quite remember but I think she asked me if I wanted to join them/dance, I tell her no. I tell her I might just go home so she can have a good night without me cramping her style. She asks how will you get home I just tell her I'll walk, despite it pouring with rain outside and being 2 hours or so from home, I would of done it if it meant getting out of there, just wanted to get back to my comfort zone.

    After I tell her this, she looks at me, kind of smiles. I have noticed during the night out of the corner of my eye she has been looking at me/smiling all night, but I just didn't respond/chose not to acknowledge her. Hell I think she was trying to rub her foot on mine as she kept moving her foot and looking down to see if it was touching mine, I just ignored her. I was being a dick, again I just wanted to leave. She walks away from me and talks to a few people. Eventually she ends up dancing with another guy, I wouldn't say I was jealous, but it was weird to watch, I tried not to look at them. I was trying to watch everyone's feet to work out what the fuck to do.


    A bit later on she comes back over to me, I think she asks if I wanted to dance with her, "Not really" I tell her. Still being a dick. I am notorious for pushing people away, I'm very much lonely in life, but I like it, most of the time anyway. I know when I'm pushing people away, I hate myself for doing it, but I just don't let people in, I can't stop it. She says that's fine and smiles. I tell myself to get some balls and just do it, as Welshy and Honeysett said. I tell her ok let's do it, I'm doing this for you though, she smiles and says ok.

    We start "Dancing" if that's what you can call it, really it was just me shuffling around the dance floor trying to not trip over my two left feet. Shes laughing, probably at me because I'm so shit. She tries to teach me, but really it's not working. More laughing ensues. I get a brief lesson from one of the other guys there, shows me where to put my hands, but more importantly where to put my feet. We do steps for a while, which I'm feeling is working a bit better now I have 1% knowledge about what to do. In between me looking at our feet trying to work out which direction we are going to next, we look into each others eyes, which was cool.


    Anyway, we do this for a bit. I know I'm complete shit. An older lady asked me to dance with her, between her, my "partner", and two other guys they all had different advice about which direction to move in lol. The night comes to an end and we say bye to everyone, I'm feeling a bit more relaxed, still feeling bad, but whatever it's done now.


    As we walk to the car I know I've been a dick to her tonight. I can see how much dancing means to her, how much tonight meant to her. We get back into the car and talk about something, I cant quite remember what because I'm working up to say something myself. I tell her I'm sorry for letting her down, sorry for being a dick etc. I know how much it meant to her and I fully understand if she never wants to do this again, or just wants to go by herself next week. Also if she never wants to see me again I understand. I felt like such a dick. I try and explain to her that it's way out of my comfort zone, but I did it for her. Normally if I'm at a party or whatever, I will simply just get up and leave, I wont say bye to anyone, just leave. This would have to be the first time in my life I couldn't do that because I was with someone. She accepts all this and says it's fine, asks if I will go with her next week, I said yes, so I guess I'm doing Tango lessons next week. I asked her if she normally just goes by herself to which she says yes, so I guess turning up with a guy to this kind of thing is a big deal for her, especially because dancing means a lot to her.


    Anyway, we agree that tonight was a bit of a success, she says I was good and that other people were saying that same for my first time. Really though I know people were just being polite, I'm not stupid. At this stage I'm still feeling guilty though, still feeling that I let her down because I wasn't willing to give it a try and was ignoring her. We hold hands, as you do, kiss and everything seems ok. I survived the night.


    Travelling back home, we parked up at our normal spot, must of been 11:30 or so. Started kissing more, holding her, running my hands through her hair, talking about stuff, all that jazz. Started sleeping on me while I was still holding her, you guys know. Must of been out till about 1am. As the night progressed hands started wondering (As they do) but nothing major happened, which I am fine with. I am wondering though if its because she is still scared from her EX and wondering if I'll hurt her, maybe she is just a slow mover as I am, or maybe it's because she just doesn't fully trust me or like me yet. Surely you aren't going to be kissing someone and let them runs their hands all over your body if you don't like them back, correct? The kisses got a bit more passionate and she was kissing me back more than normal. I like it most when I'm holding her keeping her warm, I think she appreciates this too. We are meeting up tomorrow night, if not tonight, which she initiated.

    We were planning to go away this weekend, it's about 6 hours away, she doesn't seem as keen now, which I'm fine with as I didn't want to go that far too soon anyway. Instead we might be going somewhere else which is 2 hours away Smile

    I'm wondering now what the next step is. She does occasionally still talk about her Ex and being left heart broken. She drunk half glass of wine last night, told me she hasn't for months and when she broke up with him and was drinking every single night. I probably need to talk to her about this, I've tried but she hasn't opened up about that yet. I think it' a bit unfair on me, because we are spending all this time together, it seems like we are together, but seems like she still holds a candle for him.

    What do you guys think. Are we together? She does like me, correct? How do you say to someone "Are we a couple?". Don't want to scare her off or anything. I know shes not just after a bit of fun, if she was I'm fairly certain we would of done something by now and you dont go around holding hands with someone in the streets if it's only for fun. Maybe though she just wants to feel appreciated?

    So yeah, I guess I just wanted to write all that down, get it all out there what's on my mind. Thanks heaps to the posts last night folks, especially Welshy who replied within minutes of me posting originally Smile


    Last edited by Finch on Tue Apr 10, 2018 9:54 am; edited 1 time in total
    Finch
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    Post by Finch Tue Apr 10, 2018 9:52 am

    ryno_ wrote:What a roller coaster.

    It feels like a bit of a rough move from her to spring quite a full on situation on you without warning - I've seen things on Who Dares Wins I'd rather be sprung to do then tango dancing with a group of people I don't know.

    But it seems like her intentions were in the right place?


    I guess some people like surprises, but not me. I didn't know if we were doing anything good or not. Thought she was going to try and kill me or something, for no reason. I think yes her intentions were good, she only wanted to have a fun night out doing something she enjoys with my company.
    Honeysett
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    Post by Honeysett Tue Apr 10, 2018 11:05 am

    "Just so I can be invested the right way emotionally, where do you see us going?" or
    "So we're transparent and on the same page, what do you want us to be?"

    Basically from there it's really fucking easy to mimic what her answer is.

    "let's just see how it goes"
    "I'm fine with that, what we have now is fun"

    "I want to be with you just want to take it slow"
    "that suits me perfectly, you're amazing and I'm enjoying our time together"

    You just need to fake confidence mate, it'll eventually become real confidence. Don't take yourself so seriously. When you go dancing next week just have a bit of a laugh at yourself. Tell her that you're surprised you didn't trip over your two left feet. She'll find it funny that you're trying and not being so serous.
    No Worries
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    Post by No Worries Tue Apr 10, 2018 11:24 am

    If all else fails a bit of Rodney Rude never goes astray:

    Do you fuck on first dates
    Does your dad own a brewery
    Can I feel your tits
    Or will you show them to me

    And then see how it goes from there
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    Post by Honeysett Tue Apr 10, 2018 12:16 pm

    No Worries wrote:If all else fails a bit of Rodney Rude never goes astray:

    Do you fuck on first dates
    Does your dad own a brewery
    Can I feel your tits
    Or will you show them to me

    And then see how it goes from there
    h

    How dare you.

    That's Kevin Bloody Wilson.
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    Post by No Worries Tue Apr 10, 2018 12:34 pm

    Hangs head in shame

    No Embarassed

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    Post by Dip Tue Apr 10, 2018 2:43 pm

    Well that was an unexpected story. For what it's worth I try personally to look at the intention of what people are trying to do, not necessarily what they do.  I think that what you want the end result to be dictates whether you see things as a good thing or a bad thing. By that it means that if you want to break up you'll see the worst in everything, and if you want to stay together you'll see the best in everything. I think everything has ended up okay but this is my take on how I would try and see the night.

    1. She really likes you. A lot.
    2. She is trying to show how much she likes you by remembering and acting on something you said in passing and acting on it ("I'd love to be able to dance"). Keep in mind that while it might not be the case for you, most people like surprises like presents. She possibly assumed this given you haven't been going out for long. She wanted to do something nice for you. It didn't end up feeling nice, but she certainly wanted it to feel nice for you.
    3. This is a really big step for her too. Look at it from her side. She has taken you to meet her friends (and that is what they are if she normally goes alone), which normally means to get approval from them, and that is not an easy particularly given the social stigma held by some of going out with a significantly younger man.
    4. You did the right thing by apologising and sticking it out. She will now know how hard it was for you, and will appreciate that you gave it a go for her even though you weren't enjoying yourself.
    5. Deep down while you were uncomfortable at the dancing, I think by sticking it out you probably ended up with more enjoyment knowing that you made her smile.
    6. She is even more nervous than you IMO, though being a bit older probably has more experience in dealing with feeling nervous. I don't know her back story, but I'm sure she's a damaged soul in some respect. That's not a bad thing, just a sign that she has life experience. I suspect she's been emotionally hurt badly in the past, and is scared of it happening again, but is trying her best to overcome this.
    7. Having regard for 6, imagine how she would have felt when you were outside for half an hour. She probably felt like you had gone home without saying anything. I can guarantee at that point she would have felt like she'd been stabbed in the heart and would have felt much worse than you.
    8. You're questioning her feelings about her ex. I would guess that she has been hurt so badly in the past that she feels like she can't get that close to someone again and then get hurt again. It might even be that she is that low on confidence that she wanted to break up with her ex a long time ago but didn't have the courage to do so (I know that sounds weird, but there is a thought among relationship professionals that partners at rock bottom don't break up because they can't face the unknown - where will they live, what will they do, how will they explain it to their parents etc. Often their relationship actually has to improve a bit before they have the confidence in the rest of their life to separate).  I suspect she probably doesn't have significant feelings for the ex anymore, but doesn't want to be 6 months in to a relationship with you only to be hurt again when it inevitably comes up. By telling you she might still have feelings for him she has given you a perfect excuse to break it off. That way if you did, it's not because in her mind she failed in another relationship and wasn't her fault.
    9. Her compromising to invite you on a trip closer to home is her doing whatever she can to spend more time with you and make you feel more comfortable.
    10. The night ended well IMO, and probably because you apologised and stuck it out. Halfway through that story I thought you were being a dick, so guarantee she was. More than anything she would have been feeling hurt again. It wouldn't have been fool around time in the car if it wasn't a good ending, and instead would have been uncomfortable silence for the 30 minute trip home.
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    Post by Dip Tue Apr 10, 2018 3:08 pm

    One more thing when it comes to her ex. The joke has always been that men can't talk about their feelings, but my experience is basically the exact opposite. I separated from my wife of 16 years a couple of months ago. It is all very amicable and we're still good friends, but when we broke up every day I would get several messages or calls from mates, some of whom I'm not not that close to, to see how I'm going or offering to listen or help with anything I needed. I found that really comforting knowing that even if there was nothing that could be done (and sometimes all I wanted to do was listen to the Cranberries while crying at home alone), they were thinking of me and prepared to help.

    At the same time, my wife was getting no support from almost all her friends. It's like her "friends" were more happy to avoid her altogether, speak behind her back or gossip with other "friends" and make up stuff, than actually calling or texting her to say "hey I heard about the breakup. That's shit. If there's anything I can do or you want to grab a coffee, let me know". It's like they took some sort of pleasure in their own miserable lives by someone else's marriage falling apart. It wouldn't surprise me if she hasn't really had many people check on her to see if she's okay post breakup, so I wouldn't be surprised if she's still feeling broken.
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    Post by Finch Tue Apr 10, 2018 4:05 pm

    @Dip

    Thanks heaps for the words, I read every single one. I haven't worked it out yet, because she hasn't told me exactly what happened, but she told me that she was pyschologically hurt by her ex, so I'm assuming it's some kind of Domestic Violence. Strange thing is she went back to him at some point, but you hear that story quite often. I feel sorry for her and want to help her move on, I would never raise a finger or abuse someone mentally. I tell her all the time I want her to be happy and feel safe with me, she tells me she is happy Smile

    Yep I totally agree I was being a dick, I know it, you know it, and she probably knows it too even though she wasn't saying so.


    That sucks to hear about your breakup, unless of course it's what you both wanted, cant imagine how it felt after spending so long with someone. You hear stores like that quite often where the guys are always there for their mates but sometimes on the other side of the fence the female is left alone. It's really strange as they are often seen as the "emotional" ones. Maybe they aren't really her friends after all.


    Cranberries are awesome Smile
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    Post by Dip Tue Apr 10, 2018 4:33 pm

    Finch wrote:@Dip

    Thanks heaps for the words, I read every single one. I haven't worked it out yet, because she hasn't told me exactly what happened, but she told me that she was pyschologically hurt by her ex, so I'm assuming it's some kind of Domestic Violence. Strange thing is she went back to him at some point, but you hear that story quite often. I feel sorry for her and want to help her move on, I would never raise a finger or abuse someone mentally. I tell her all the time I want her to be happy and feel safe with me, she tells me she is happy Smile

    Yep I totally agree I was being a dick, I know it, you know it, and she probably knows it too even though she wasn't saying so.


    That sucks to hear about your breakup, unless of course it's what you both wanted, cant imagine how it felt after spending so long with someone. You hear stores like that quite often where the guys are always there for their mates but sometimes on the other side of the fence the female is left alone. It's really strange as they are often seen as the "emotional" ones. Maybe they aren't really her friends after all.


    Cranberries are awesome Smile

    Cranberries are awesome. It's a couple of their lesser known songs, but we played "Dreaming my dreams" at our wedding. It seemed appropriate to me that "No need to argue" pretty much summed up our separation. It's like those tow songs were written about different stages of the same relationship.

    She will tell you when she's ready about her previous relationship. I wouldn't push it too much other than to say something like (at the appropriate time) "I know it's hard to deal with things that happened in the past. You don't need to tell me about it until you're ready, and if there's anything I can do to help I will. Until then I'm always good for a cuddle or a shoulder to cry on".

    For what it's worth I think she really likes you a lot and vice versa. I know lots of things are hard, but your emotional highs will be greater when the emotional lows are greater. Generally people who don't have the emotional lows don't have the highs as great. The highs are the best bit so that's worth it IMO.

    What is important for you will be different to what is important for me, but to me, worrying about issues like her ex, your dancing and things like that are not as important (if you want this to be a long term relationship) as the age. Age is only just number, but it's more about the stage of life you're both in. I'd have no trouble dating someone 10+ years older than me, but that's because right now I'm pretty sure I don't want to have more children. It would put me off having a relationship with a woman 14 years younger than me if she is single and wants to have kids in a few years. If that is something that is no issue for you both, then great, but if you think you're not ready for kids for 5+ years, well her biological clock is ticking. Likewise if she already has kids, you might not be ready for that right now, particularly if they are a bit older. That might not be an issue for you, and perhaps ultimately a long term relationship is not what either of you want, just something fun that will possibly end with you still being friends. Still, you're not me so don't necessarily do what I do.

      Current date/time is Thu Mar 28, 2024 7:06 pm